Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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