I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize