Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
