You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
