yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
