How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
