Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
