Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
