I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
