He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
