The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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