Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
