I could make wine with my vomit
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
