I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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