A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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