The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You can't special order awesome
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
