So drunk its hurt
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
