her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
