a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i've created a new STD.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
