I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.