this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased