Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power