sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
