That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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