the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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