I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.