Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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