i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
