you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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