My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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