I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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