Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
im on a boat
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