cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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