OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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