Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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