Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
