She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love you.
Bad choice
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
