At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
