Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
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Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?