So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
