everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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