It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
