Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
