Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
