I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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