Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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