a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
