He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
