i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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