this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
