So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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