You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
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finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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