Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
