Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
