I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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